Anamchara, Soul Friend

9-28-22 Anamchara, Soul Friend

I am a fraternal twin, which means my sister Brenda and I don’t look exactly like. But as sisters we share similar features and mannerisms, and (much to our chagrin) rhyming names. I wish I could count the times people have asked me what it is like to be a twin. I respond by asking, “What is it like not to be a twin?” I don’t know the answer to that question.

My sister and I were womb mates and then roommates for the first eighteen years of our lives. Moreover, because we were raised in such a small town, we were also classmates and teammates, and we participated together in almost all of the extracurricular activities our school offered.

More than that, we were friends. We fought, as siblings do, but we were and are still very close. In college, our faith in God grew and we became not just sisters and friends, we became soul friends. We have lived apart since she married just before our 21^st birthday. However, after my husband, she is my greatest confidant and supporter, encourager, and prayer warrior. She is a gift I treasure. I once told my husband that no matter how long we are married, I will always have spent more time with my sister than I probably ever would with him because we were almost constantly together for eighteen years.

I suppose it is because I have always known this kind of relationship that I seek out deep friendships with others. But actually, I think all of us are made for this—deep, intimate, life-changing relationships with God and others. This kind of friendship doesn’t just happen; it takes time and intentionality.

I love the Celtic word anamchara, which means soul friend. Brigid of Kildare counseled a young cleric that “… anyone without a soul friend is like a body without a head.” Celtic Christians agreed that those who rely on themselves and have no need of a guide are deceiving themselves. Because we all have blind spots, we need soul friends who help us to reflect on our lives and how God is speaking and moving in our lives. This kind of relationship is more than a lunch or coffee buddy; this is someone who wants to help us grow in our relationship with God and others. I have had the blessing of having and enjoying many soul friends for four decades.

Scripture is filled with wonderful examples of spiritual friendships. Think of David and Jonathan; Ruth and Naomi and Boaz; and Jesus and his disciples. In his book Sacred Companions, David Benner shares five closely interrelated elements in these kinds of relationships.

First, there is love that is expressed in a variety of ways but more than anything wants to bless the other and support their emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical development. “They want me to become all I can be. They want me to develop my gifts and fulfill my potential. They want nothing less for me than that I become the full-orbed person I am called from eternity to be in Christ. They want nothing less than my wholeness and holiness.”

Second, this kind of love that desires for growth development also demands honesty. Because of our blind spots, we need others who will dare to speak the truth in love risking temporary discomfort to confront our illusions. Not everyone can or should do this in another person’s life. But we do need people we trust who truly love and care for us to gently help accept our self-deceptions. It’s not just honesty of words but honesty of being. When friends feel sufficiently safe with each other, they can relax and be what they are. It’s only when we feel safe that we can set aside our pretensions knowing we are already known and loved for who we are.

Third, this kind of knowing leads to intimacy, which is shared experience. “If a friendship deepens over time, intimacy increases in depth and breadth. In fact, growth in intimacy is one of the best measures of growth in friendship. Spiritual friends share with each other at the level of their soul…. Soul refers to the whole person, with particular attention to one’s inner life…. Friends who enjoy soul intimacy never settle for gossip or simple information exchange. Instead they use the data of events as spring boards for the sharing of feelings, perceptions, values, ideas and opinions.”

Soul friends talk about what happens in their lives, but then move to how they experience, react to, and understand what happened moving from surface to depth, from external to internal. Spiritual intimacy means moving from talking about theology or ideas to sharing my experience, particularly my experience of God.

Fourth, mutuality is an important difference between friendships and other relationships, which are more one sided. “The mutuality of friendship is based on a rhythm in which the giving and receiving of each will balance over time, not within a given day or week or even month. But friendships are not primarily relationships of care. Primarily they are relationships of soul intimacy. Friends care for each other when this is needed, but that caring is not the only dimension of the relationship…. If the shared exploration of the world that was originally motivated by being kindred spirits is missing, the relationship has shifted.”

The fifth and final element of soul friends is accompaniment. “As Christ followers we participate in his life, but he also participate in ours. This is what true friends do. They accompany each other on life’s’ journey.” Sometimes this is for our whole life, sometimes it is for an age or stage or particular season of life. Friends accompany each other taking a particular interest in each other’s lives paying particular attention to the inner dimensions of the spiritual journey.

A few months ago, my husband Stuart and I had the opportunity to reconnect with a dear friend from our Chicago days. I am sad to say we had been out of touch for years. Though we had a lot to catch up on, the nature of our relationship meant we could pick up emotionally and relationally as if it was only a month ago, sharing about the real struggles of our lives. Such is the nature of anamchara, soul friends.

Spiritual friendships rarely just happen. They take time, intentionality, and commitment. The spiritual friendships I have developed have usually started as I have participated in a small group or class at church. The friend I mentioned above was part of a mid-sized couples group at First Presbyterian Church of Evanston, Illinois. We met weekly with 30-40 people on Sunday mornings after worship. We were also a part of the leadership group of six couples that met monthly for dinner and planning for the larger group. Over, the years, we became spiritual friends as we spent time studying God’s word, sharing about how it intersects with our real lives, praying for each other’s needs, and supporting each other as babies were born, people became sick, and grief was experienced.

Fall is a wonderful season to take a turn in a new direction—to find ways to cultivate an ever deepening relationship with God and with others. There are many groups in the church you can explore on our website: Adults – Vienna Presbyterian. Each of us has to find what will work for us given our life circumstances. It may be that you simply have to ask the people who are already in your life to join you in more intentionally becoming soul friends. Living in these kinds of life-giving relationships is worth the effort because we were made for this!