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11-10-21 Glenda Simpkins Hoffman
Recently I read the book The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It’s the story of a 35-year-old woman who feels she has taken many wrong turns in her life in various relationships and in her career. She is so filled with regrets about her life that she decides to end it. However, instead of dying, Nora wakes up in the Midnight Library—an immense space filled with shelves of books that seem to go on forever. She is greeted by Mrs. Elm, her elementary school librarian who was always kind to her.
Nora learns that every book before her is a different rendition of her life that would have happened if she had made different choices. However, before she explores any of those possibilities, she must first read The Book of Regrets, which contains all of the regrets that she has had in her life. There are a lot of them. This book is so emotionally overwhelming to read that Nora cannot finish it. But focusing on regrets from the past is what she needs in order to know which books (with different version of her life) to choose in the present that will lead to a living a different future as she rewrites the story of her life.
This is just a summary of the first 20 pages or so. The rest of the story is about the many possibilities that she explores—some in depth and some very briefly—and the lessons she learns along the way. It’s an amazingly creative story of transformation filled with lots of insights and truth.
I read this book while leading a study on Philippians, in which the Apostle Paul gives much insight and truth about how to live. In chapter 3, Paul describes how he has broken away from his own past—both the pride of relying on his own accomplishments and achievements as well as the guilt and regret he had for his sin, which included being a persecutor of the church before he came to Christ.
Paul makes a very clear statement about his purpose in Philippians 3:13-14: “Beloved I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.” In this one sentence, Paul addresses our past, our future, and the present.
Like Nora, so many people are weighed down by the past—guilt for things we have done wrong (specific or general), regrets that we didn’t make different choices that might have led to a different way of life, or even grief from life experiences that we have not fully processed. Many of us may be so busy and/or so gifted at compartmentalization that we are not even aware of this nagging sense of dis-ease about our past that may well be holding us down or holding us back.
Paul says he forgets what lies behind. This does not mean to deny our past. Past experiences are an important part of who we are and how we learn. A sense of history is important, but we can process these experiences in light of the gospel of Jesus our Lord. We don’t need to go to the Midnight Library. We are to reflect on our lives in light of Jesus—who he is and what he has done for us in his life, death, resurrection, and ascension. His grace saves and restores us freeing us from being weighed down by guilt, regret, past wounds. Our pain and brokenness can be healed and our lives transformed by grace and the power of the Holy Spirit. We can be freed to live a new and different life in the present with an ever-growing gratitude for God’s grace that has reconciled our past.
For many years, I lived with a sense of guilt for my sin. As I have said many times, I am a recovering Pharisee. I worked hard to be a good person. My high school yearbook is filled with sappy sentiments like “You are so nice.” I knew I wasn’t as nice as I seemed. It took a lot of energy to seem so.
Coming to understand the meaning of grace was transforming. I felt an immediate release from this deep sense of guilt. But it wasn’t a one-time experience. The longer I followed Jesus, the more sensitive I became to sin. Growing in grace doesn’t mean we deny our sin. Rather, we have the courage to face it through confession. This means to agree with God that a particular attitude or action is sin and also to agree with God that in Jesus Christ we are already forgiven.
This is the good news! We are unconditionally loved and accepted. We don’t have to pretend or prove ourselves. We already belong to God. In his life, death, and resurrection, Jesus has done for us what we could never do for ourselves. Knowing and believing this gives us the freedom to face our past for what it is. Rather than being weighed down by guilt, we can look at our past with a deep sense of gratitude for Jesus and all he has done for us by grace.
Like guilt, regret can also weigh us down. Regret is to “feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).” One of the lessons Nora learns is this: “It is easy to regret, and keep regretting, ad infinitum, until our time runs out. But it is not lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It’s the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people’s worst enemy.” We can’t change the past, but learning to rely on Jesus and his grace frees us to let of the past and live without regret so we can live in the present and strive toward the future.
Another lesson that Nora learns from Mrs. Elm in the Midnight Library is this: “Never underestimate the big importance of small things. You must always remember that.” It’s easy to get stuck in the regrets that seem big and to feel the sadness of lost opportunities. But we don’t always notice the small things, the choices we make daily in caring for our families, doing our work well, just showing up to help someone in need. Small things have big importance because they are expressions of love for others, and it is love that changes us, others, and ultimately the world.
Numerous times in the book, a quote by Thoreau is mentioned: “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Nora was seeing all that was wrong in her life and feeling despondent. But through her experiences in the Midnight Library, she gains a new perspective. The truth is, we can’t change the past. It is what it is. What can change is our perspective. And a change of perspective can help us to live differently in the present life we are now living.
As I read this book, I was grateful to be a follower of Jesus. I don’t need the Midnight Library to gain perspective because I have the good news—the gospel of Jesus Christ—that helps me to see myself and all my circumstances in light of how God sees me: as his beloved child.
This does not mean we don’t have to deal with guilt and regret or pain from the past. We are human, and we will struggle with human emotions and human experiences. However, we know Jesus is with us helping us in the midst of all we go through. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is able to heal, renew, transform, and empower us right here. The ongoing presence and power of Holy Spirit frees us from guilt, regrets, and painful past experiences so that we can live fully in the present.
It’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Forgetting what lies behind is not about denying or pushing down our past but bringing it into the light of our interactive friendship with God. As we live with intention, we can grow and change and become the person whom God created and redeemed us to be in Christ. Jesus came to give us an abundant life. It will never be a perfect life until we see him face to face, but as we trust in Jesus and rely on the Spirit, we can live without guilt or regret. We can live an abundant life of love, joy, and peace right here, right now.
